That's right folks. Junie Browning is going to fight a flaming streetfighter while he stands in a pool of pirrhanas! Dec. 27 spoiler alert -- to start off UFC 92, Kimbo Slice will be set ablaze in a special fireproof suit (of course) lowered from the ceiling to a waiting and warmed up Junie, ready to fight. Odds favor Junie in intellect we think; every time we told him to pick a circle from assorted shapes he'd just do another shot of Kentucky's finest moonshine. We had to call testing for the day because he passed out. The edge in strength definitely goes to Kimbo. Dana White, this century's PT Barnum, absolutely loved the idea and jumped rght on it! I called him on the Bat Phone don'tcha know.

Me too! Every time I get online to watch fights, I get sucked in by a catchy headline. When I saw the headline sometime back that BJ Penn had thrown a reporter around I couldn't wait to get in there to see what happened. I'll tell you what happend -- a local girl from TV news came out and learned the ropes so to speak. It was soooo cute... egad man!! Damnation!!!

My second eldest son called today to wish me happy birthday -- my forty-third -- and we were talking about his two boys, who were just amped for Santa to come. I can remember when I was their age -- it was fantastic. I got Stretch Armstrong and my own record player with Cat Steven's Izitso to play it on. It was red with a black console and you closed it up and carried it like a mini-suitcase. It had a spindle with four or five yellow discs so you could load it up with forty-fives.

See if you can wrap your mind around this. I come home early. I see she's in bed looking kind of rumpled. He's in the corner looking glassy-eyed, quiet, blank. She says she's tickling, no more. I bet. I'm real mad. This is too much! I put my hand through his face. He's shattered. I hit him with two quick knees to the tower er..uh torso, kick him in the motherboard hard enough he can wear his bytes for earrings. Next, I throw the monitor through the sheet rock, the keyboard out the window. The sorry SOB -- I can't ever get anything from him it seems. She gets on after I log off and he's clicking right along: ten screens, no problem, three downloads at once, sure why not. "Sir... Sir put the mouse down and back away from the edge...we only want to talk to you."

I am absolutely sick of booing, literally sick of booing. It's course and vulgar, and I fail to understand how the best sportsmanship demonstrated in all of athletics can generate the worst fans in all of sports. Is that strong language? You bet it is. Take it back? Not on your life. You will find far more polite fans at a Motorhead concert. Trust me on this one -- I'm an avid concert fan, remembering around one hundred concerts, forgetting...who knows?

I do know this -- I see more and more fighters apologize for winning a fight that wasn't exciting enough.That's patently stupid. I touched on this in "The Coveted Sharp Stick" and Fight Ticker commented that paying fans should expect more bang for their buck. I did as well. In fact, I claimed in "Who Knows? Certainly Not I" that fights should cost less for cards lacking title fights, and I was basing that premise on UFC 88, the same event that set me off on this rant when I watched it for the third or fourth time this morning.

The thing I love most about the Internet is that while you imagine me as a radiant, blue-eyed, tall, Adonis-type, Liberaci meets "Gentlemen's Quarterly"-clad hero with long blond hair billowing in the breeze, certainly a beautiful specimen of a man, I am actually a 73-year-old dwarf with one eye and one leg (opposite sides), stuttering, clairvoyant, mu mu-clad, bald, Tunisian woman prognosticator and witch doctor.

To be totally on the up and up, with no misunderstanding of what's what, the witch doctor is kind of an honorary title as I'm actually a card-carrying voodoo practitioner. I live off the winnings of all types of sports gambling, and I'll bet for you too for the paltry sum of one hundred measly U.S. dollars sent to Bertha Eloise Hinedend Boortit, Esq. at #1 Swamps Tuffet La. 70114. A money order or cashiers check, will work just fine indeed. If you will place it in a self-addressed stamped envelope, I'll send you five fight picks -- all guaranteed winners. Make sure to read the very small print regarding my guarantee.

For those who follow my blog, precious few I would imagine, I've once again gone almost a month without posting. I'd like to tell you I've been on sabbatical, jet setting around the French Rivera with the beautiful people but alas, it is not so. Once again, my rudimentary technical ability or lack thereof coupled with my traitorous computer has left me high and dry. I had a couple of mediocre drafts that I considered submitting, that might fly in some rags dense audiences, but it certainly would not here my friends. One entitled "I could have.." regarding things I might have done if I hadn't watched Sonnen and Filho play patty cake in a fight which second graders would have booed. In another effort I whined about having nothing to say, which was true, and you might want to thank your higher power be He The Almighty or Muhammad or a plaster of paris painted carrot, you didn't have to wade through this pretentious sub-par waste of seven minutes.

Nonetheless I finally put something together, that although no candidate for the Nobel, was clever and entertaining, when my C drive failed. Failure isn't sufficient to describe this all-encompassing tragedy. Yes my blog post sunk, but compared to the loss of around one hundred RSS feeds, fifty or more favorites, and maybe seventy modules between "My Yahoo,"and Google -- both I and Reader -- that seems kind of minuscule. Enough of all that-dry your eyes Bub. I appreciate your empathy but we must move on

Filho didn't make it Scot-free past this post scot free Here's what he said from "Cage Potato" If you didn't see what he did count yourself exceedingly lucky. My cohorts and I still bear the scratches ripped down our cheeks from trying to claw out our own eyes, exaggerating yes, by much hardly.

My first candidate for sleeper is Eric Schaffer. He's been seen a couple of times recently and done well but when he gets his striking up to the level of his submissions he'll be thrown into water cooler conversations with Rampage, Machida, Griffin and others

Punk? His peers would say no; he's popular with everyone and anyone who is someone, up-and-comers not so much. Did you see how he treated Nate Diaz on "The Ultimate Fighter?

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Karo Parisian is a bully and a punk. Nate's last performance was masterful and a great watch. Nate -- although known -- is very young and gets my nod as a powerful player in the not too distant future. He probably rolls with his brother constantly.

Nick's also a joy to watch and a power in his own right, which leads me to the next punk, KJ Noons. You'd think enough said and yet... He loses his championship belt rather than fight Diaz. You've got to be sh&^#@g me again!!! Way to be a role model pecker head. Word is he now wants to throw down with Diaz. That's just sad.

STOP THE PRESSES!!! I've always wanted to say that but, online it's somewhat anti-climatic. Breaking News! I've always lauded and defended Dana White; his work ethic, his love of this sport, and visionary planning made MMA what it is today. Tomorrow isn't looking quite so promising. His high-handed, tail doesn't wag the dog, my way or the highway mentality may turn the UFC into the NFL. His knee jerk reaction and sophomoric ranting to whomsoever may care to listen , may send this sport into the dark ages from which it barely crawled out of once before.

Maybe Roger Huerta wasn't really so far off the mark. Fighters' union ? Oh you bet. Holdouts? Free agents? Yes Sir. Jerry Maguire-type agents and their ilk driving up prices which will immediately be passed on to fans who're already tired of PPV greed. UFC 91 may have been the best show this year, but when you hear Couture estimate that he and Fedor should take six million each leaving the UFC, or M1, and sponsors with twice to three times as much for fighting this "Super Fight", it doesn't take much imagination to realize seventy-five a pop may be on the horizon.

Why would anyone take the offer of a lifetime of rights to their likenesses and/or products which is what he's demanding? It's an outrage. Don't think you'll only lose these cast-offs. Come contract time, fighters will look at all of their options -- promotions who will gladly handle their product with care and respect. Dana don't be a punk!

Now for a different kind of fight video.

Come December 10 help take care of our heroes at "Fight for the Troops". Same Bat Time Same Bat Channel

Anyone familiar with my work needs to realize that the extended unemployment checks aren't coming anymore and you need to get up and find a new job. If God forbid, you're a real writer who reads my stuff to feel better about your work, give two days notice and resign immediately -- seriously you stink. Your colleagues will applaud you. You will set the bar for integrity and honesty to a level heretofore only vaguely hinted at in wispy dreams by psychics, mystics and seers. Dionysus will climb out of the grave his long, weary search for one honest man is finally realized; he can put down his lantern and rest in peace.

As is usually the case, I'm four or five days behind breaking news and opinion pieces in the MMA world . I take sometime to ruminate about what I've seen and how I feel about it. I've led an apathetic crusade, much like Ralph Nader on Quaaludes that demands more bang for our buck from the UFC Pay Per View events. Saturday we got it!! What a great card with fantastic bouts! Everyone left it all out there in the Octagon and I for one was absolutely transported!

I thought UFC 91 was far superior to the last two or three offerings. OK transported is a blatant exaggeration, but my wife, Leo and I (Leo's our dog and honestly he wasn't all that hyped) sat at the edge of our seats, teeth gritted, muscles tight with excitement throughout. My only complaint -- there's always at least one -- was the crowd booing whenever they thought action lagged. That really bothered me and unfortunately it's becoming more and more frequent with each event. I don't really understand how the most sportsman-like, respectful athletes in the world generate such ignorant, inhospitable fans. By no means do I single out any city or venue but it seems that the fans are more like Romans at the colosseum giving the thumbs down at some macabre "one bucket of water with three burning Christians" match.

Speaking of Rome -- very smooth segue me thinks -- Roman Madrowski of The Chicago Sun-Times Sports gets my "Poke in the Eye with a Sharp Stick" award. He must have been in the bathroom during the first fight as he called Sherk and Griffin a controversial decision. Great fight, stupid call and he's not done yet, writing, " Apology Appropriate" in his article regarding the anticlimactic main event. I don't usually read articles -- I watch fight videos, but when I saw that headline, I had to see what pecker head wrote it.

Ever hear of strategy sir? May not have been the best game plan, but if not for unreasonable expectations, Silva would have submitted Cote in the first round or did you miss the Ricardo Almeida/Cote fight? Cote couldn't wrestle a good nap from a soft mat. Why would Silva want to go five rounds with Cote for reasons other than the new good showing rather than smart fighting mentality? Why stand toe to toe with a knockout threat? Getting hit less while hitting your opponent more seemed like good sense to me, but I don't get paid for my opinion and therefore you're probably a "Far Cry" (free product placing eh eh? ) smarter than I am. Kevin Iole from Yahoo Sports gets the, "Swift Kick to the Seat of the Pants Award'' for running a very close second with your bone-headed article, "Silva's Actions Not Befitting His Stature" article.

Enough with my amateurish scribblings but I think those whose penchant for a good show is more important than a smart fight would probably enjoy the WWE over what was in my humble (and free) opinion a great night of fights.

Same Bat time same Bat channel!

Judge not lest you be judged. Realizing that at least five people not related to me had read and cared to make comments on my last blog sent me over the moon with paroxysms of joy! I struck up a mad amalgamation of break, river, line, dirty ballet, (feel free to add your own), disco, and square dancing, so brilliant it would bedazzle a mere mortal mind , much akin to a train wreck. It hit me at the pinnacle of a krunk, back one and a half axle, do-se-do, that the comments were not necessarily all that positive.I lost my attention and crashed into a doorway slowly sliding down until I lie a quivering mass of fleshy jello. I had not impressed. I was beside myself both literally and figuratively. I would like to offer my apology to the luminaries and aficionados of this very solemn sport. I will try to. with great alacrity, and my most dignified ability, to be serious about sweaty grown men in their underwear rolling around on the floor.

I know Kimbo is not a bimbo and Vera doesn't look like a dirty old man. I can dish it out and when I quit sobbing,I will take it. Here are some hopefully suitable and sensible stats.

I looked at three different ranking e-zines or bodies (WAMMA?)and found some interesting if not upsetting facts. In August, Sherdog, MMA on Tap, and WAAAAAMA (cheese with your whine madame?) all ranked Rashad Evans as # 9 in top 10 light heavyweights, which I find reasonable. In August, Keith Jardine was ranked # 8 by Sherdog and WAMMA, and # 7 in MMA on Tap -- also reasonable. What a difference a punch makes. In September Jardine stayed steady except on MMA on Tap where he fell one behind Lidell!?! Rankings had Rashad at # 3 at Sherdog, #4 at WAAMA, and #6 at MMA on Tap.

Wow!!! You've got to be sh%&#ing me!!! This is where it starts to get hairy. Jardine beat the reigning champion Forrest Griffin as well as the one-time (not so very long ago) champion in Chuck Lidell. While Rashad had the benefit of Jardine's experience with Liddell, his was a flash KO, while on the other hand Jardine took him 3 rounds and beat him soundly. Both men fought Stephan Bonnar: Evans won while Jardine didn't, but if you saw the Jardine fight, you'd have to admit it was a bad decision.

You make the call. I hope you had time to enjoy that; It was as vexing sniffing out that video as it is smelling flea flatulence in a funnel cloud. Let's throw another couple of names around -- how bout Wanderlei Silva or Rampage (it just fits better than Quinton)? Rampage lost his title in a hotly contested battle against Forrest Griffin -- many said he won. I'm not one of those. Rampage also beat Liddell -- who I do feel for but obviously struggles -- but lost to Silva twice .Granted it was four and five years ago. Silva lost against Liddell but beat Jardine like a dusty rug.

What about Lyoto Machida, who's fought the Who's Who in MMA? He, like everyone else, has beaten Tito Ortiz; like everyone else, he beat Stephan Bonnar, as well as Sokoudjou, Vernon White, Rich Franklin, and BJ Penn .For the sake of veracity, I should say that the Evans-Ortiz fight ended in a draw and that Griffin lost to Tito in a bad decision Machida is also unbeaten with a record of 13-0. Rashad is 12-0-1, Rampage is 28-7, and for that matter Silva is 32-8-1.

Some would ask, "What the hell is this useless collection of words and numbers about?" I guess ultimately it's about asses in the seats. I doubt I really understand either. What makes Evans-Griffin a better match than a rematch between Quinton and Forrest? I sit down one day, fire up my none-too-trusty computer and see on the homepage "Evans vs Griffin at UFC 92" , and I exclaim loudly, "You've got to be shi#%&g me!"

Opinions are like butt cracks. Everyone has 'em. Having only a few big fights, it just didn't occur to me that one punch, the KO over Liddell -- who at the time was loser of two of his last three -- made you an instant number one contender . I've got nothing against Evans; I was glad to see him win TUF, but I thought his teammate Jardine, or Jackson, or even Machida might be next. When asked about a shot at the belt Jardine said something so very mature, gracious, and unselfish it blew my mind. He said, "Maybe I'm not ready for that yet." Pretty awesome in today's "me first" world, and because it took me all this time trying to get these words outta' my mind and onto your screen. He's had another high caliber win.

I've done my best. If I've failed once again to impress, all I can say is, "You've got to be shi*&$ng me." How about a consolation prize?

Same bat time same bat channel.

I'm back. Pride does go before a fall. I've been online about eighteen months and I've told my wife maybe thirty times( no kidding ), "There's nothing you can do to the computer that can't be fixed easily." What kind of fool am I? Please feel free to answer with exuberance in the comments.

It all started as a moment of innocent idiocy as most self-inflicted calamity does. Knowing the length of my intellect and the breadth of my "I can do it myself" mentality, I pushed technical buffoonery to new heights. Thirty-two days of frustration, aggravation,perspiration, dedication, fascination, imagination, desperation, shrieking ululation, mental masturbation, cerebral constipation, followed by bouts of dehydration, exclamation, badly needing a vacation, and wholly lacking vindication. I believe I've emerged form this phantasmagorical nightmare ride of masochistic lunacy.

Of course my worst fear throughout was the potential loss of not only my sanity, but of you my loyal readers and true blue fans. LOL, no wait, LMAO, no, no, LMAONFOTFSSGFBGCTRBTFBTSM (laughing my ass off sides splitting gasping for breath great crocodile tears running boy that's funny 'bout soiled myself) for those not in the know. Whoa! Whoa hahahaha!

One thing you'll never read here is that I am an expert! Nor shall I ever be.What I am is an average Joe or more accurately an average Jay. I'm as blue collar as you'd ever care to meet. I drove a cab for ten years in KC and dispatched and drove courier work another ten. I've got kids, grandkids, a wife of 19 years, a cute dog and a pick up in the drive. What you might ask does this have to do with the price of ten pounds of yak meat In Tibet?

My point is this -- if I should ever find it -- it is that UFC 88 cost too much for too little for the average guy. I know, I know, just days ago I urged that the UFC should offer entertainment for everyone, and I stick with that statement.

So me and Dana are sitting around in his hotel room downing a couple icy ones...nah...He called me and I gave him some pearls like, "When everything's said and done", "when it all comes out in the wash", and "for all intents and purposes." My dog is sitting behind me on the bed growling, "They know Dana didn't call me." Geesh! Everyone's a critic!

OK, my fave five and why. Why's a good question because when I fire up my computer I want action. I want it free, and I want it now, but those lists get me every time. The hook is even more alluring when accompanied by videos. That way I can critique their obvious brilliance if I agree with them, or criticize their complete lack of human brain function should they fail...and I get action too. Speaking of which...